‘Vulnerability Hangovers’: How to Cope After Speaking Openly About Rape
Speaking out as a survivor is more complicated than it may seem.
Sexual violence thrives in silence. The fact that #MeToo only became a well-known hashtag in 2017 speaks to society’s unwillingness to confront this long-standing epidemic. While a baseline level of awareness may have finally come to the surface, conversations about survivor experiences of rape, knowledge of perpetrators, ways to prevent sexual violence, meaningful consequences, and survivor healing in the mainstream are barely present. Additionally, there are still plenty of people who refuse to believe that rape is, in fact, as painfully common as it is.
Many survivors of rape choose to speak out about their experiences for a variety of reasons. Some are hoping to help bridge the gaps of knowledge and awareness that still permeate our society, dispel common myths and victim-blaming, and to help other survivors understand that they are not alone. Others speak out to policymakers, or professionals who directly interact with survivors, including as victim advocates. Every survivor who opens up publicly has their own reason for sharing their experience. While this process of sharing information is likely helpful to society at large, the individual toll it takes can be tremendous.
A ‘vulnerability hangover’ is the perfect way to describe all of the feelings of being open and vulnerable when it can potentially come at a personal cost. Being publicly vulnerable about an incredibly personal experience that is very frequently met with attitudes of hostility is understandably emotionally and physically draining. It can result in doubt, regret, fear, sadness, frustration, exhaustion- even if it results in positive feelings as well. Even sharing details of this experience with loved ones can be extremely difficult. Sharing with a room full of strangers, no matter their reception, is likely going to be difficult.
Even under the best conditions, with a caring audience that expresses belief and support, it’s normal to feel uncomfortably exposed. Having a few ways to cope with vulnerability hangovers can go a long way.
1- Prepare ahead of time.
If you have spoken out publicly before, you probably have a sense of what it may feel like afterwards. If you have never spoken out, be prepared for anything. Research your audience and make sure you feel ready to share, and tailor your message depending on what you may or may not want to share with this particular group of people. While it’s helpful to visualize that it will go well, it can be helpful to think about what to do if you encounter a difficult person, question, reception, or situation. Being ready for sharing is helpful, but also understanding that you may feel a range of emotions afterwards and being ready for them can help your mind surf those thoughts and feelings later on.
2- Take the rest of the day off to decompress.
After speaking out, it can be helpful to have your self-care tool kit ready. My personal favorite thing to do is take a nap, or try to take a nap, because that’s basically the only thing my brain is capable of after a particularly intense sharing of my experience. Journaling, baths, listening to music, lighting candles, and giving the five senses a soothing experience after such an intense experience can be effective in calming the mind and processing your experience.
3- Talk with someone supportive.
Whether it’s a friend, family member, therapist, or RAINN hotline volunteer, talking through your feelings after speaking out can also help to process the experience. It’s helpful to reflect on why exactly you may be feeling uncomfortable. Perhaps you ended up sharing more detail than you thought you would. Perhaps someone reacted in an unsupportive way. Perhaps you shared for the first time and are wondering if you would have, in retrospect, for whatever reason at all, preferred to have not said anything yet. All of these things can cross your mind, and understanding why you feel them by talking it through with someone who constantly has your back can feel like medicine.
4- Remember why you did it.
Survivors that I have encountered have never spoken about rape, one of the most traumatic experiences a human being can endure, for personal gain. Many speak out to raise awareness, educate, warn others, improve services, to otherwise ultimately work towards promoting a safer community for survivors, or to prevent a similar experience from happening to someone else. Openly speaking about rape is an important tool in ending sexual violence. Survivors who find the courage to share their story with the goal of working towards protecting others are selflessly taking on an often very painful pursuit at great personal cost. Remembering why you chose to speak when you feel like the vulnerability hangover is too overwhelming can help to recover a little faster.
5- Understand that the impact you had is likely greater than you’ll ever know.
It is unlikely that you will ever know the impact that you had on whoever heard your story. You may hear from a few people, but most will never tell you how your experience impacted them. Especially if you speak as an anonymous source, which is often the safest way for survivors to speak out considering the hostility and aggression still so frequently aimed as survivors of rape, you may never hear from anyone. It’s likely that you didn’t speak out to hear back from anyone. Still, it’s helpful to get feedback to understand if the discomfort of sharing that experience is worthwhile. Anytime that anyone comes forward about their experience with sexual violence and works to break the silence and stigmas that surround it, that survivor is helping to eradicate sexual violence- whether or not it feels like it.
Vulnerability hangovers don’t last forever. The discomfort associated with them will eventually go away. When given the opportunity, be a positive force for survivors who choose vulnerability and openness. When given the opportunity to be that survivor who is speaking out, remember that you’re not alone, and there are steps you can take to bring well-deserved comfort to yourself.
